I miss you when I am away. I do take the time to think, ponder.. contemplate.. I think about myself and what improvements I can make for myself to help the situation. To insure this doesn’t happen again.

But mostly I think of you.

You. I think about the feeling of complete devastation, the way I screamed at you and treated you like shit. The complete breakdown. A hollowed, broken heart.. shown through words and looks of anger. The embarrassment. The stupidity. But the love. The desperation of losing the one thing I held true. And the way you broke me, just to touch my lips with yours and put me all back together again. The sighs and passion that exuded in every breath. Once again, finding myself falling deeper in love with you. Taking the risk and making the mistake of placing myself inside of you, has proven to me to be the receipt and the reminder of what you are to me.

You. You are everything right to me. You do everything so beautifully in your own way that makes you who you are. I love the way you smoke a cigarette, to the way you burp. The way you look sitting on the toilet. I find beauty in everything you do.. because its you doing them.

You. I think about your eyebrows and how they frame the sweetness of your eyes. Their shade of brown. How I look so deeply into you sometimes, I feel like it’s just me and you in the entire galaxy. How it begins the story of who you are. Your nose and the shape it takes when you wrinkle it. Your lips and their texture, all surrounded by a bow of freckles.. and pores.. and you. Your hair, and the smell of it.. the smell of your neck. Your chin hairs you complain about that I don’t really ever see, and whatever this double chin is because all I ever see is beautiful. Like when you lay down to go to sleep, and I close my eyes with you.. only to frequently open them and observe… you always look so gorgeous falling asleep.. I think, ‘She doesn’t even know what she means..’ I just smile and close my eyes.. and thats when I think of whats coming next for us, what will we do next?

Usually when I look at you, I’m not looking at you (not to actually annoy you).. I’m thinking. Thinking about you. I don’t think, even when I am silent, that I ever quit doing that.. And how I can’t get enough. And how I love to love you. How I can’t ever replace you. How you are every single thing I have ever looked forward to. How you are my peace.

We all screw up. Maybe like I said, this is a reminder of what we are to each other for the times ahead. I know I don’t want to ever go a day without your love again. Or feeling the pain of living without you. Trying to think of you as a memory when I see you in everything.. I hope I never have to. I hope no one ever steals you away again. I hope you never make the choice to go. I know I will never leave you, or be unfaithful to you. I will never place you above another. Or put you on the outside. I know my every intention and decision has a piece of you in it.

After Tuesday, I feel complacent. I feel numb until I’m around you. When I’m not around you, I try not to feel anything incase this is all fake.

I plead back and forth in my head, “I hope she’s not doing anything else behind my back..” I pray, “Please, give me the strength to see if this will work..”

I can’t stand the thought of you being shared. Even as you snore next to me, taking up the entire bed… I want you. I wish I was talking to you instead of waiting for morning. I wish I was kissing you. I miss you when you sleep.

While playing in your hair, “God I hope she stays mine and only mine..” examining your hair texture.. silky smooth and soft. God I love this girl. I do but I live every single day, day by dayz second by second now.nl focusing on the positives, and sorting through negatives.

God, I hope. All I need is honesty, kindness, and your love..

I don’t know how I know that you’re lying to me.. I just know now what your ‘No’ really sounds like. When I ask you for the truth, and every time you lie to me.. My heart drops to my knees.. I feel the rush of my blood.. my stomach turns.

I don’t know if I’d rather be hurt by my first love over and over again, or hurt by someone I thought was my last love, once.

When you lied to me, over something so simple.. you say it’s because you didn’t want to hear about it. To me, you avoid it. You avoid your messes and troubles. In arguments you can be selfish and try to deflect to keep from feeling or acknowledging what you’ve done.

I did not lie when I said if you were anyone else. I have cut off people I grew up with for lesser transgressions.. I have cut off my own blood.. but you.. I keep giving you chances and following you wherever you go. Today, today is the last chance for me. I tried to give you the opportunity to stay away and distance.. but now its apparent that that freedom of choice to do what’s right doesn’t help us move on. I want him blocked from all forms of communication. Switch, Facebook, Messenger, Instagram, whatever… I want us and only us.

When I met you, I knew. I am timid, I don’t go outside of my comfort zone much. But I was pulled to you. When we met in person, immediately I knew. I saw flashes of a stone I never thought much about before.. moonstone. I remember your lips moving. I remember you talking to me. I remember us being there. But above all, I mostly remember thinking about how beautiful you were. Your eyes and your brown. Your nose. And your lips. I felt like I knew you once before. Like we’ve walked side by side in another life somehow. Lustful feelings. I remember not wanting to leave and wanting to follow you wherever you go.

I remember the first time we ever kissed. I was shy. But when we kissed. Oh, my world became all about you. I felt like we moved on the same wavelength. Long. Slow. Sensual. Kisses. You kissed me the way I have always wanted to be kissed.

When we went to Atlanta. I remember loving hearing you talk driving up there. Just the sound. Your laugh. I die for your laughter. That’s why I try to make you laugh today. Being silly. I remember getting in the room, and just cuddling with you. I felt like all the shit relationships were coming to an end because here I am, being held the way I’ve always wanted to be held by someone. By you. Feeling at home and at peace. Oh, the love. I just remember your hands going down my body and the look in your eye. In a vulnerable moment, sharing our bodies. You touched me exactly how I’ve always longed to be touched. And that’s when I fell. The the way you sung to me… sitting in the car. The way I laid next to you as you slept, looking over your shoulder and back… I fell for you. Oh. I still did not want you to leave. I wanted to follow you whoever you go.

Today, I am afraid. I have lost you momentarily. These sweet memories have become jaded in a way.. but a reminder. The security I felt in you has been ripped and tested.. I lay next to you and admire your every movement, and feel deadly afraid to trust you again, all in the same motion. I have been filled with self doubt and worthiness. I cannot predict the future. I cannot make you tell me or show me what you want. But I still am in love you just like in the beginning. I still want to follow you wherever you go.